Scholar’s Cradle

Huh. It finally happened. An evening comes where I’m too self-conscious to write. I’d rather just fold my hands & track the glacial movement of stars in the sky. From where did I get the cradles I hold in my hands? I think that’s a pleasant musing. Unconscious movements really do say something about people but it never really hit me until I started watching myself speak at length. Have you noticed my funny tells? I couldn’t believe my eyes some of them were so obvious. For example, if I have something uncomfortable to say I’ll completely cover my mouth with my palm & wrap my fingers around my cheek. How much more literal could that be? I can imagine having a wife, what it would be like to be married to me:

“I know that look. Out with it!”

And I’d (of course) be like: “How does she always know?”

That I imagine my wife to be impatient also tells you something about me, doesn’t it? I hope she’s completely different; I mean, I hope she’s bigger than my mere imagination.

So this is draft number four. It’s past midnight & I didn’t post yesterday. I’m just now beginning to slip in my chores. Why? I got a little excited and for whatever reason I just want to have absolute control over something; for now, not getting excited is that thing. It has nothing to do with being happy or unhappy & it ought to have nothing to do with other people, but I have something of a dilemma; I’m tired of being isolated —

— but I’m still paranoid.

I really don’t have a better idea than to simply wait it out while being reasonably expressive about daily experience. Obviously there are unspoken rules to this exercise. Actually, there’s really just one. Don’t ask “But how paranoid are you?” because I’ll just deflect. Wouldn’t you? We all get sick (i.e. mentally ill) from time to time, each in our own special ways. Don’t interrupt my conveniences & I’ll not interrupt yours. You know what I mean?

You know what, forget it. Let’s talk about it another time. I dislike like lying about vulnerabilities but the way people will latch onto them if you’re open about yourself I could not possibly like any less.

—

So it’s even later now. I’ve become way too precious. I’m just gonna take a pass on this for now. Cool? Cool. I’ll try to get my shit together a little quicker & we can move on to fun things, together.

I really do appreciate your time, dear reader.